This girl has always liked to sing. She sings so much all throughout the day…even more so now that her language has developed to a point that she can hear and understand so many more words and therefore memorize and repeat many of the songs she loves. You can often hear her singing while she plays, singing while she draws, singing along with the cd player, and (her favorite) singing along with me as I sing to her at bedtime.
The other day, Rayne told her that there were people who sang for a living…that maybe someday she could sing on a stage as her job. Maya’s reply was “well, I like to sing at home.”
Her reply struck such a beautiful cord with me because it is so quintessentially “her” but also because it very much sums up my feelings towards my role in life in this moment. I have spent years pursuing work in a variety of ways…making soap, taking portraits, selling my art, writing for pay. I have put myself “out there” online, marketed myself in our local craft circuit, networked, etc. I suceeded, I failed, I suceeded again. It’s a tiring game and it’s possible that I simply just wore out from it all. But there has also been an internal shift…one that has allowed me to sit back and enjoy “singing at home.”
I would never say that I’m being less creative these days. I’m still taking pictures, I’m still writing, I’m still crafting in all available moments. But the manifestations of my creativity are different these days. They have a different goal and serve a different purpose. I take pictures of my kids and our adventures and most of the time I do it with whatever camera is most handy. I write occasionally for profit…but I write a lot more often in journals. I craft as a release and as a hobby. And I spend hours creating masterpiece homeschooling units designed to help my children fall in love with learning and the world around them. My motives for creating lie closer to home then they once did…and for the first time in my life, I have total peace with that.
I won’t lie…it is easier to just lean into this whole motherhood thing. It takes conscious upstream Olympic swimming to go against the natural flow of having children around you constantly. I struggle with and question whether I have simply ‘given up’ on my own pursuits. Have I given up on my own personal creative and artistic ambitions? I don’t honestly and completely know the answer to that. But what I do know is that when I fight this massive and powerful flow, it doesn’t feel good for me and it creates a lot of discord within our home. But when I allow what is to just be what is, I feel more balanced. This to me feels much like a compass.
I tip my hat to the performers of the world who are also mothers. It’s an admirable position and we all need to follow our own heart. Right now, my heart is happy to sing at home right along with my daughters. I have to trust that, for me, this is where the good stuff is right now.